Gone in the blink of an eye...

Today marks four months to the day since I lost the funniest, kindest, most original person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  Four months ago I stood shocked around a hospital bed with Matt and the rest of our family, staring in disbelief at the near-lifeless form in front of us, lying so still and silent.  Four months ago, I held his hand and kissed his forehead and told him I loved him, for the very first and very last time in my life.  He was so warm.  His chest still rose and fell.  His heart still beat.  He looked like he was sleeping.  Four months ago, I thought he would wake up.  Four months ago today, I was in the ICU at Kingston General Hospital saying goodbye to my friend.  Not 'see you later,' not 'catch you at the next gig,' but goodbye.  Forever.
 
Four months ago today, on June 28th, Jesse Eammon Archer was shot in the head and killed, for nothing more (we'd all like to think) than being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  That is such a cliche, and while I used to believe that you get what you deserve in this life; that good always prevails and that karma always wins out in the end, I can't possibly allow myself to believe such idealistic dribble anymore.  To believe in karma would be to believe that the eldest of my three 'little brothers' did something to deserve the hand he was dealt.  And while I'm sure there were many things about his life that Peck chose not to share with us, nothing he could have possibly been hiding would EVER warrant a death like this.

He did not play with guns.  He did not choose to befriend common criminals.  He did not deal drugs.  He did not believe in violence, or bullshit, or trying to be cool (he just was, without any effort at all.)  He did not believe in having to prove himself to anyone, or taking crap from people who didn't understand him, or copying others.  So I ask you, what could he POSSIBLY have done to deserve being executed like he was?  I have been asking myself this for months now, and I still come up with nothing, each and every time.

I try to tell myself that he died to remind us all that we take things - and more importantly, people - for granted.  I try to tell myself that he died so that the five recipients of his organ donations would have another chance at life, or so we would all realize how stupid and reckless it is to carry a handgun, for any reason.  I try to cheer myself up by remembering that he would not want me to be sad all the time, and that he would want me to remember the good times we all shared and all the laughs we had together during his life, and to not focus on the atrocities and injustice surrounding his death.  I try to tell myself all these things, but it still hurts so much.  It is still as fresh and as raw as it was when I had to look at him one last time and say goodbye.  I am not appeased by these optimistic notions in the very least.  I know I should be, and that there is some truth to them, but I am not.

I do not believe in God.  I do not believe in the devil either, for that matter.  I do not believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation or fate or unicorns or leprechauns.  I do not mean to anger or shock anyone by saying this.  I DO respect everyone's right to believe whatever they choose, and I know that while some people want or need religion to get themselves through this life, I am not one of those people.  That being said, I do not criticize or mock those who are.  If you want to believe that our 'savior' is a magical, all-knowing water buffalo, be my guest.  Believe what you want to believe, just don't try to force it down my throat.  Respect is reciprocal, in religion as it is in anything else.

If we are going to get all philosophical about it, when it all boils down to it, I believe in science.  I believe in the Law of Conservation of Energy, which states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred or changed into a different form.  I don't know anyone who will deny that 'life' is a form of energy, and I don't think I want to know anyone who would try to deny such a thing.  In that vein, as it pertains to the fundamental principles of physics, when we die, our energy does not.  Cannot.  They don't call them laws for nothing, you know.

Who knows what happens to it, this life energy.  Is it absorbed into the ground?  Does it dissipate into the atmosphere?  Does it just get passed around until it eventually sparks the beginning of new life?  We could (and have) spend centuries speculating, and still grasp at straws.  The truth is, we will never know.

All I know is, I want my brother back.

I love you, pecker...  I miss you so much... *sigh*