Procrastination, hopelessness, or apathy... you decide

I know I said I would write a little something about a little something, each and every day, yet here it is, almost a week since my last post - how disgraceful!  While I'd love to report that this lack of communication stems from an exciting life rich in colourful experiences that eat up too much of my time to write, just the opposite is true.  Maybe it's the sleep issues I have been having.  Maybe it's the dour mood that sets the tone for the lives of each member of this family as we struggle to get back on track after such tragedy.  Maybe it's the recent change in temperature heralding cold, lonely, winter nights that are undoubtedly just around the corner.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for not having anything worthwhile to write about.

I've always been a procrastinator when it comes to things like this.  'Homeworky-type' things, that is.  Not that I find the task of keeping a blog so off-putting  or unpleasant that I try to delay it as much as possible - I love to write, and I always have something to say (even when I should just keep my mouth shut), so that can't be it.  In school, I relished the added pressure of leaving assignments to (almost) the last minute.  The challenge of squeaking in under a deadline was much more thrilling than completing homework right away, and when it came to school (among other things), I was (am) always one to accept a challenge.  Looking back, that extra pressure probably contributed significantly to the 'little meltdown' (little meltdown = massive anxiety attacks and insane, irrational perfectionism) that drove me to walk out a third of the way through my final semester of college.

But 'Live and Learn,' they say.  And I have.  In that time, I have lived through all manner of things, good and bad.  I married my sweetheart.  I survived personal struggles too painful to describe.  I lost a brother.  I turned myself around.  I have learned so much since then.  In fact, I have totally reworked how I live my entire life and how I perceive and process pretty much every situation that arises.  And I am very proud of myself for all that I have accomplished.  Just being able to say that - 'I am very proud of myself' - shows how far I've come.  A year ago, when nothing I did was ever good enough or completed to my liking, I would never have been able to even think that, let alone admit it.

So why can't I commit to writing a few paragraphs every day?  There are no deadlines here.  No professors cracking the whip.  No 98% college average to maintain (no joke! ...makes you sick, doesn't it... ?  ugh... me too).  Even if it's just a piece of fluff about how fantastically interesting and amazing rabbits are, or why I like cheese as much as I do, I should be able to come up with SOMETHING, shouldn't I?  I'm rarely at a loss for words, but lately everything seems so foggy.  I feel so sluggish and lackadaisical.  It's hard to find the initiative to string four or five words together, but I am determined to try harder.

After all, January is fast approaching.  January means school; one lousy semester of Biotechnology to finish so I can get a 'real job' and do something 'important' and 'meaningful' with my life.  I'm already having panicky school dreams about not being prepared for tests and not having my homework done.  Only this time 'round, the goal is not perfection, but graduation.  This means no more procrastination, no more undue pressure, no more refusal to accept a less than flawless result.  What better time to start practicing these alien concepts than right now?

So... I apologize for ignoring this little project like I have... it won't happen again... probably... ha ha