Word to Your Mother...

The other day I got an email from my mom, praising me for my writing skills and encouraging me to pursue my passion for writing.  She also jokingly expressed concern that I would use her as fuel for my blog, and that I would have lots to write about because of all her idiosyncrasies.  Well, today I AM writing about my mom, but only to let everyone know how fabulous she is and how much I love her.  

So Mama, this one's for you...

55 REASONS WHY I LOVE MY MOM

1. She is an ageless beauty
2. She is an excellent cook
3. She instilled upon me her love of reading and all things literary
4. We have great conversations
5. She is kind
6. She loves animals, and they love her back
7. She can always make the best of the worst situations
8. She’s so tiny and cute!
9. She makes great kids (ha ha)
10. She thinks she can beat up 6’ tall, 200Lb purse-snatchers
11. She is very smart
12. She taught me to stick up for myself
13. She has guts
14. She can walk like the wind
15. She has a fantastic smile
16. She has a wonderful imagination
17. She taught me that it’s ok to just ‘be me’
18. I know she will always love me, no matter what
19. She knows a good man when she sees one
20. She let me be a funny, weird little kid, even if it meant wearing stripes with plaid, or wearing my shirt inside out
21. She has a great sense of humour
22. She usually doesn’t mind being poked fun at (which is a good thing…)
23. She is creative and artistic
24. She gives me food
25. She always gives good advice (even if I don’t want to admit it at the time)
26. She gives great hugs
27. She is from Denmark, and has taught me what it means to be Danish (i.e. friendly, funny, and a little bit crazy)
28. She makes me want to be a better person, but…
29. …she makes me proud to be who I am
30. She always voices her opinion!
31. She has a heart of gold
32. She can smell a flea’s breath from 30km away (and anything else, for that matter)
33. She is one of the strongest women I know
34. She gives me books I know I will enjoy reading
35. She sure loves her felt!
36. She is so good with kids, and kids know that too!
37. She always has something fun planned
38. She loves her family above all else
39. She understands the importance of a good list (ha ha)
40. She certainly is organized
41. She will always be there for her children, no matter how old they get
42. She knows that even though sometimes we laugh at her, we are always just kidding (I hope)
43. She provides instant recipes, given two or three ingredients, and culinary trouble-shooting at (almost) any hour
44. She treats her cats like children
45. She is a beautiful person, inside and out
46. She can always make me laugh
47. She is a great friend
48. She takes good care of my dad
49. She taught me how to cook (as long as it wasn’t in her kitchen… ha ha)
50. She always looks on the bright side of life, even when everyone else isn't
51. She doesn’t mind that I’m weird (because she’s weird too)
52. She sees the good in everyone
53. She has always made me feel that I am special and loved
54. I hear she makes a mean ‘fiskefilet’ (ha ha) 

Most of all, I love her because...
   

   55.  She is my mom, and I wouldn't want it any other way

I love you mama... hope this made you smile  :-)

Life with Grandpa...

I am married to an eighty year old man.

Baby, I love you dearly, but you're totally helpless (hopeless?).  You just recently 'celebrated' your thirtieth birthday (not much celebrating being done on July 7th this year, I know, but I'll make it up to you.  I promise), and yet anyone who knew you as well as I do would be absolutely astounded at your secret geriatric lifestyle, and then, knowing that, they would be amazed that you have even made it this far!

You take high blood pressure medication.  You go to bed at 8pm every night.  You are deaf as a post.  You gripe and groan about your constant aches and pains.  You are so frail that it even hurts to stretch.  You are almost totally inept when it comes to caring for yourself.  Today, not five minutes ago, you told me that you think you needed to start eating soft foods.  ...SOFT FOODS???

Oh your secret is out, pal... I'm exposing you for what you really are.  It's a toss-up between 'old man' and 'baby hamster...'  I am undecided.  At any rate, you are getting an ear trumpet for Christmas this year.  Just so you know.

Thanks to Bing Wong for this awesome pic of me and my sweetheart!

You sure are cute though... and I love you with every fibre of my being... no foolin'...

(No hard feelings, baby... don't shoot the messenger... ha ha)

'The Ghost Story' oooOOOoooh ...spooky...

Ok, so I can't think of anything good to write about, and it has been days since I have made an entry (oh the pressure!) so here is a lame rehashing of something weird that happened to me on August 12th.  Incidentally, it is this story that prompted people to encourage me to, nay, DEMAND that I start a blog, so it must have been a good one.  Either that or people don't want to read my stupid stories on Facebook... ha ha.  If you already know this story, I apologize.  Hopefully I will find something better to write about soon. 

On the afternoon of August 12th, I took the bus to Toronto to meet Jane, Sylvia, Bing Wong, and the Hardy girls in Nathan Phillips Square to see The 24th Street Wailers (Mike and Lindsay's band) play a fifteen minute set in the Toronto Blues Society Talent Search finals.  After baking in the sun for several hours, eating a fantastic burger that was slightly pink in the middle ('if you want it well done you have to ask for it well done'), and watching the Wailers royally kick the asses of the five other talented bands competing that day (they came in first, just like I knew they would... ha ha), I walked back to Union Station to catch the bus home.

I had twenty minutes to kill before my bus left so I went to use the bathroom, which is scary enough in itself, this being Union Station, and me being slightly (read: incredibly) paranoid of germs and other disease-carrying microbes.  I don't use public washrooms unless I absolutely have to, but I absolutely had to, and I always go in the handicapped stall because I am slightly claustrophobic, so I found one and sat down on the toilet... you know... like a normal person.  However, I couldn't pee because there was a woman in the stall next to mine and I can't pee when someone else is there (don't laugh - I can't even pee at home if Matt is in the room) so I am just sitting there, waiting, staring at the back of the bathroom door.  All of the sudden, the little door on the lid of the tampon/pad disposal unit (which was two feet to my right) opened, very slowly... and a few seconds later, it closed... 

I was startled, but I figured it must have a motion sensor on it, or a spring that came un-sprung, or something... anything... there had to be a logical explanation, and since I had a few minutes, I was determined to find it.  I checked the unit out to see how it worked, looking for motion sensors or springs or whatever, but no, it was just a simple disposal unit... just two pieces of plastic... I was kinda freaked out, but while I was puzzling, the lady in the stall next to mine left, so I could safely pee.  I didn't really think any more of it, seeing how I was distracted by the sheer relief brought on by the ability to finally void my bladder (it's the little things in life...).  BUT! While I was peeing, staring again at the back of the stall door, the disposal door opened again, very slowly... At this point, I was starting to get a little freaked out, so I was staring at it, willing it to close again, but it wouldn't.  I kept staring, and staring... nothing... Finally I gave up and finished peeing, and was about to stand up to leave and whatever ('whatever' being flushing the toilet with my foot, and using generous wads of one-ply toilet paper to unlock and open the stall door... germs...) and the minute I looked away... IT CLOSED!!  Again, very slowly!!!  It totally freaked me out, but at that point I wasn't sticking around to find out what was going on...

No matter what the logical explanation, as far as I'm concerned, some dainty lady-ghost was in my handicapped bathroom stall, disposing of her feminine hygiene products while I was on the toilet.  If you still get your period when you die, well that is just one seriously cruel joke, let me tell you...  

And furthermore, that must have been one polite ghost... If my period is still a concern in the afterlife, I will be pretty miffed.  Let's just say that I am sure as hell not going to be worrying about finding the proper disposal unit...

More than just a Steel City...

Oh Hamilton, how I love you...  A recent debate with a friend from college got me thinking about my home town and how great it is, and I realized that it's time to start sticking up for old Steel Town a lot more than I do.  Destined to be blindly labeled as 'the Armpit of Lake Ontario' forevermore - is that any way to treat the old girl?  After all she has done for us?

Yes, we get along just fine, Hamilton and I.  In fact, she's a lot like me, now that I think about it... She's a little bit crass, a little rough around the edges; she hides her true beauty and class under a tough, gritty exterior peppered with graffiti and heavy metals; she sticks out like a sore thumb and is as 'in your face' as she deems necessary for any given occasion... she's sometimes loud, sometimes obnoxious (or just plain noxious), but she knows how to party.  She doesn't always clean up after herself or follow through with the things she says she is going to do, but let's give her a little more credit for all the GOOD things she has to offer!!  (She's 164 years old, for pete's sake!)

Here is a smattering of local history and trivia that you may or may not already know about Hamilton, Ontario:

• At 125, the Hamilton area has more waterfalls than anywhere else in the world
• It is home to the Royal Botanical Gardens, the largest botanical garden in North America, which consists of 1100 species of plants growing on 2422 acres
• It is home to the first graded public school in Canada - Central Public School at Bay and Hunter Sts (my elementary school!)
• It was a stop on the Underground Railroad
• It has the highest per capita amount of green space of any city in Canada
• It is the home of the world's first Tim Horton's store, and the second Canadian Tire
• During the Battle of Stoney Creek in the War of 1812, 1300 British troops defeated the 3000-strong American army and kept Canada safe from hostile takeover
• Many films have been shot in Hamilton, including X-Men, Detroit Rock City, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Finding Forrester, The Incredible Hulk, Gone in 60 Seconds, The Time Traveler's Wife, Death to Smoochy, Strange Brew, and Canadian Bacon
• The 'Around the Bay' road race, established in 1894, is the oldest marathon in North America and attracts runners from all over the world
• In 1906, a railway porter named Billy Sherring traveled to Athens to face the world's best runners in the first Modern-Day Olympic Games.  He put all the money he had ($75 of his own earnings, and $90 raised by his running club) on a horse named 'Cicely', who came in first, giving Billy enough money to travel to Greece (Steerage Class) to compete.  He won the marathon and a set a new world record, with a time of 2 hours, 51 minutes.  (Billy's prize?  A 5' statue of the Greek goddess Minerva, and a goat... nice... ha ha)
• Canada's first Birth Control Clinic was opened in Hamilton in 1931 by Mrs. Mary Hawkins, at a time when it was illegal to even INFORM women about birth control
• In the 1920s, Hamilton had its own professional hockey team, the Hamilton Tigers.  The team was expected to win the Stanley Cup in the 1924-25 season, but a players' strike sparked its sale to New York, where it became the basis for the New York Rangers NHL team
• 25% of Hamilton's population is foreign-born, making it the Canadian city with the third highest proportion of foreign-born citizens (after Toronto and Vancouver)
• During the first World War, Hamilton raised $4.5 million for the war effort, and 10,000 men and women from Hamilton volunteered for service, more than any other Canadian city
• It is one of the busiest ports on the Great Lakes, and one of the largest sea ports in Canada
• The Bruce Trail, proposed by Hamiltonian Raymond Lowes in 1960 and completed in 1967, extends along the brow of the Niagara Escarpment from Queenston, through Hamilton and the Dundas Valley, to Tobermory on the Bruce Peninsula 740km away.  It was named as a World Biosphere Reserve by the United Nations in 1990
• 'The Hawks,' formed when Arkansas-born Ronnie Hawkins came to the city in the early '60s, featured Hawkins and several young musicians from all over Southern Ontario who worked out of Hamilton.  These musicians went on to become 'The Band,' one of the most successful groups of the 1970s
• It is Canada's largest steel centre, thanks to Stelco and Dofasco (Dofasco being the world's most profitable producer of steel), established in 1910 and 1912, respectively.  60% of Canada's steel is forged in Hamilton
• The city has over 130km of biking and walking trails
• Hamilton was known as 'Little Chicago' during the 1920's & 30's for its reputation as a mob town.  It was home to the infamous 'Perri Gang,' led by Rocco Perri and his wife Bessie Starkman, who started selling shots of whisky for 50 cents each out of their North-End grocery store after the Ontario Temperance Act brought prohibition to the province.  They soon became the biggest bootleggers in Southern Ontario (their house used to be located at the corner of Bay and Bold Streets, about 3 blocks from my house - my gran used to play there with Bessie's daughters from a previous marriage when she was a little girl!).  After Bessie was shot and killed in the driveway of their home, said by many to have been killed by gang members who resented taking orders from a woman, Perri fell apart and eventually disappeared in 1944.  It is widely believed that he can be found at the bottom of Hamilton Harbour...
• Hamilton became a training centre for the Royal Canadian Air Force in 1940.  15000 Air Force personnel from all over the British Empire were trained here
• Of the 5000 Canadian troops who participated in the Dieppe Raid in France during WWII, 550 were from Hamilton

Pretty interesting, no?  Thanks old girl... you'll always be 'home' to me...

Hooray for Happy Endings!

Just when you least expect it, pow!  Good News!!

Maggie and John's little wanderer, the wayward 'Pretty Kitty' (or P.K. Fry, as I like to call her... it makes her sound mysterious and distinguished... not that 'Pretty Kitty' doesn't... well... ha ha) has returned safe and sound into the arms of her loving family after 24+ hours of being 'on the lam!'

Oh P.K., you gave us all quite a fright!  I hope it was worth it!

(Just look at the adventure in her eye... she is itching for some purposeful meandering to sniff out courageous battles with other renegade felines, while breaking up all manner of rodential debauchery by delivering justice with an iron paw, and other feats of 'derring-do' along the way... someone's got to do it...)

While we're talking about P.K. Fry and her dangerous secret life, please peruse the following photos of our cat (Matt's and mine), Black Cat...

Separated at birth??  One and the same??  You tell me... 

Ode to a Librarian (you know who you are...)

Well, look at me!  I'm blogging!  ha ha

Due to 'popular' demand, I will attempt to consolidate my offbeat and potentially humourous observations on the world in general using the wonderful world of the interwebs... I figure I will either a) develop a loyal audience of readers who find me hilariously funny, b) end up talking to myself a lot of the time, c) rant and rave about the most mundane topics, convinced that I am a genius, or d) all of the above.  We'll see how it goes... ha ha

Please note the following disclaimer:

1. I swear.  A lot.  (sorry gramma)
2. '...' and 'ha ha' are over-used and widely abused
3. I am a sarcastic old broad - I shoot from the hip and I calls 'em like I sees 'em...
4. Although my intention is to keep this lighthearted and upbeat, from time to time I may, nay WILL, careen off on wackadoo tangents that may be either manic, angry, maudlin, deeply disturbing, and/or wildly irrational.  Please do not be alarmed or report me as escaped from the proverbial Cuckoo's Nest; I'll be ok... no, really...  I'm most likely just venting deep-set frustrations or impatience with the world in general.  I have a long history of General Anxiety Disorder and Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder, and I hereby choose to use my mental illnesses as a license to spout off at the mouth and rant about trivialities, like all good crazies should... (ha ha)

So... yeah... that's about it for my maiden voyage in the sea of electronic journalism.  Welcome aboard!  Hang on to the railing at all times!  Try not to puke!  ha ha

over and out